The idea of starting a family can come with varied emotions, among them can be excitement and fear. What happens when family planning is met with unforeseen bumps in the road? Oftentimes people discuss difficulty becoming parents (whether it be natural conception, surrogacy, IVF, adoption, etc.), highs and lows of pregnancy, as well as coping after miscarriage, but what about those who find themselves "with child" following months (or years) of unsuccessful attempts? Having a child after a lack of success can come with its own worries that are not always acknowledged.

       There is a such thing as experiencing PTSD following miscarriage, "unsuccessful attempts", and negative feedback from medical professionals with respect to natural family planning. As a society, not only do we need to normalize parental grief, but also validate its complications when faced with what should be a joyous occasion (positive pregnancy test, a seemingly successful adoption process, IVF and IUI progression). New parents preparing for this leg of their journey, following rather dark detours, can experience the joy of pending parenthood and at the same time find themselves experiencing high levels of anxiety and constant obsession (and even compulsions).

        When a potential parent experiences loss, they can feel upset, sadness, failure, hopelessness, anger, and confusion. However, when the opportunity to become a parent presents itself as an even greater possibility, those feelings of grief do not magically disappear. Parents can still carry the heartache and worry into this new experience all while trying to be fully present this time around, but that is not easy. Constant worry and checking for the baby's movement and heartbeat daily can take up a lot of mental and emotional energy, but that doesn't mean that an expectant parent does not have the right to experience what other parents experience, such as constant complaining about pregnancy symptoms, weight gain, and even being tired of being pregnant.

        As the support system, there are things that we may say that can minimize a parent's grief or even make them feel worse about themselves or the process itself. Here are some Do's and Don'ts when supporting a loved one through their process to parenthood:

Do's

1.) DO listen to the potential mom or dad. There are a lot of feelings associated with the process and a lot that goes unsaid, but it is definitely felt. Provide them with an emotionally safe place to "fall".

2.) DO provide genuine hope and positivity when needed. Potential parents do grow tired of the process and hopelessness and failure are common feelings, but that doesn't mean that they are genuinely ready to walk away from the process.

3.) DO celebrate ANY milestones or progress made. They may not see it right away and positivity is needed.

4.) DO practice reassurance and validation. And if religion and spirituality are a part of their (or your) life, prayer, meditation, and positive affirmations may be helpful.

5.) DO push your own opinions or agenda aside, especially if they are not warranted at the moment. You are allowed to have your own feelings but remember that this is their journey. Honesty, genuineness, and validation are key here.

DON'Ts

1.) DON'T voice harsh judgments and criticism. Potential parents are already harboring their own feelings and judgments, they may not be emotionally or mentally prepared to hear YOUR judgments and criticisms.

2.) DON'T project your own feelings onto them. It may be ok to share your own experiences, especially if you feel as if it will help them, but do not project any feelings or expectations where there are none at the moment.

3.) DON'T speak without first listening and getting a feel for what's appropriate. In other words: THINK ABOUT THE ADVICE YOU'RE LOOKING TO GIVE. Well-intentioned responses can be viewed as insensitive. Steer clear of the following statements:

- "You're not doing it right"

-"Is there something physically wrong with you or your spouse?"

-"Maybe it's not meant to be"

-"Just stop trying so hard"

-"Maybe it's the wrong time."

4.) DON'T minimize their feelings or the process. Poking fun or making jokes about the process or their feelings is insensitive and rude.

5.) DON'T be afraid to offer therapy, online support groups, or resources (podcasts, articles, books) that bolster optimism, realism, and hope, especially if you honestly do not know what to say to offer support and comfort. Offering honesty in that way may help more than it could hinder.

As potential parents process the grief AND look to celebrate pending parenthood, DO validate their feelings as being a part of their process and DON'T forget to help them celebrate and normalize this leg of their journey as it is a celebration of how far they have come!