tabula-rasa-psychotherapy-llc-0jpia

Practicing Self Love

jennsumerlin@hotmail.com (Jennifer Sumerlin) — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 15:49:09 GMT

Love Thyself Before Loving Others

Giving and receiving love is oftentimes a desire (and even a goal) for most people. Society teaches us the power (and fear) that comes with giving and receiving love from others, so much so that it's celebrated. At one point, our society appeared to be obsessed with love, more specifically granting and gaining that level of validation from external factors. It can create insecurities to a point where some may even feel the need to try and convince others to like and even love them, which, for some, can equate itself to conditional acceptance. However, what about self-love? Some households and cultures do not acknowledge or prioritize self-love. Why is loving oneself so overlooked?

In order to search for (and maintain) love and acceptance, it is important to first love and accept yourself. When we begin to love ourselves and accept ourselves, we treat ourselves, accordingly, thereby better deciphering healthy from toxic and conditional from unconditional. Introducing self-love into our internal script and putting it into practice has the potential to lower anxiety and depression, as well as to offer a more realistic (and even positive) self-perception. When individuals aren't taught or encouraged self-love, it is possible (but not necessarily 100% guaranteed) for individuals to unconsciously make room for and validate others' criticisms and projected insecurities; meaning that we tend to adopt others' opinions and criticisms as our own personal definition. Below are some steps toward self-love:

1.) Identify the source of your current internal narrative: When you replay the negative self-talk and the criticisms, whose voice do you hear? A parent? Spouse? Friend? Co-worker? Your own? Identifying the source gives you a starting point. Oftentimes, we hear the criticisms and quickly react or respond. Hardly ever do we slow down and research the origin of the problem.

2.) Allow yourself to challenge the narrative: Is there any truth to the narrative? If so, does this truth cause you distress? Enough distress to change the situation? If not, identify how that makes you feel.

3.) Introduce and redefine words into your everyday narrative: People oftentimes overuse and misuse the word "happy". Happiness is subjective; meaning the definition differs from person to person. And while we may not fully attain happiness in every aspect of our lives (or even within ourselves), it is possible to attain a level of contentment. To be content is to be satisfied. Satisfaction can lead to happiness, but happiness will not always mean satisfaction.

4.) Never mistake Quantity for Quality: Quality and Quantity are NOT interchangeable! Seeking validation from several people is great if you respect the opinions, value systems, and lifestyles of the several individuals. Too often we seek positive feedback from a multitude of people, however we can also find ourselves "emotionally flattened" by 1 person's criticism. When seeking validation, start from within and work your way outward. Always check with yourself first before looking for acceptance from others; otherwise, you will be living for other people.

5.) Forgive your "flaws" and accept your assets: More often than not, you are your own biggest critic! Any mistakes or "wrong turns" you have made in your life have helped you to grow as a human being. It is through our darkest and most vulnerable times that we experience the most growth in our development. Own who you are inside and out and if you find something about yourself that you don't like, find a healthy way to address it and fix it (quick fixes do not equate to long-term fixes!).

At the end of the day, when we love ourselves, we treat ourselves better and as a result we move differently, behave differently, love differently.....in other words we GLOW differently. By loving ourselves and treating ourselves better we tend to attract others who treat us accordingly.

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One While Embracing a New Normal

jennsumerlin@hotmail.com (Jennifer Sumerlin) — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 22:58:14 GMT

My Loved One Died....So Why am I in Purgatory??

Whether it be a sudden loss or a loss after a period of time (i.e.- declining health, disease), pain is inevitable. Losing a loved one can feel like losing a piece of yourself. Numbness, displacement, confusion, helplessness, anger, and sadness are just some of the feelings experienced by those in mourning. The days, weeks, and months following can feel like a hellish price that you may feel like you're paying for some previous wrongdoing. Let's face it: once a loved one rests in peace, their loved ones live in a world where it's anything but peaceful. Living without a loved one is adjusting to a new normal that a lot of people may not want to do or are not prepared to do, and while some people within your support system may be well-intentioned, everything from timing to execution can seem all wrong.

Grief can be extremely complicated for different reasons, and there really is no 1 correct way to grieve, let alone to "move on". The reason why I put "move on" in quotations is because you never fully move on, instead you learn to live a new normal without your loved one being physically present. At that stage of grief, you are living life according to your own rules and not solely by anyone else's rules. When it comes to grief, there are a few things to remember so as to make the process less stressful:

1.) Try NOT to control your grief. We can give ourselves time to grieve but shutting it off and on like a faucet is not the healthiest way to handle feelings of any kind.

2.) Make time to grieve or to allow yourself some down time. You may find yourself needing time for yourself or to be by yourself and that is okay.

3.) Everyone grieves differently. You may not be the "crier" or the one who shuts down emotionally, or even the angry one who shouts, and that's ok. You may be the one whose grief ebbs and flows; and much like tides and currents, we must flow with our grief. As long as you allow yourself time to feel your feelings, you provide yourself an outlet.

4.) Provide yourself with additional outlets and coping skills to help yourself through the low times. Try watching tv/movies, listening to music, reading books, listening to podcasts, cooking/baking, crafts, exercise, meditation, yoga, journaling, etc. These skills are not just good for stress, but they provide creative outlets for emotions that may need to be released. It is all self-care.

5.) There is no set time limit on one's grief. There are times when your grieving may change intensity or form, but your grief will change course when you gain strength and motivation to change its course.

6.) The way you socialize may change. You may not be motivated to socialize, or you may notice that you socialize differently. You may notice that you don't feel like your usual self, and it may change how (or if) you respond to friends and loved ones, prioritizing qualities and traits that you probably never considered to be as important prior to your loved one's passing.

Ways To Embrace a New Normal:

1.) Begin some new traditions and routines. You may find yourself trying new things as a way of creating a new routine for yourself. You may also incorporate new traditions or rituals as a way to incorporate the memory of the person you lost.

2.) It is ok to keep some old traditions, rituals, physical reminders present. If it brings you comfort and joy, then it is something worth keeping as a part of your life.

3.) Try to maintain a portion (if not all) of your daily routine, pre-death. Doing so can help you to stay connected in some areas and reconnect in others.

4.) Maintain close connection with your support system and expand upon that system as you see fit. You may find yourself joining a support group, a meetup, or making friends through everyday interaction.

5.) Try not to look for a "replacement" for your deceased loved one. It is possible for those in mourning to consciously and unconsciously look for people to replace the person they lost by way of placing heavy and even unrealistic expectations on those around them. Instead pay attention to the support system around you and prioritize the kind of people, traits, interactions you need around you to bring a sense of balance to your life. You don't need a replacement, instead you may want or need someone who embodies key characteristics that brings balance to your life (i.e.- patience to your impatience, emotional availability to your guarded vulnerability, calmness to your anxiousness or chaos).

6.) Embrace patience. You may not return back to your normal self 100%, but you may recover a majority of your old self. Try not to panic or rush the grieving process. You are healing emotional wounds and with that comes a thicker skin, a new outlook, and possibly clarity where there was once confusion or oblivion. Give yourself time to embrace "you" and see what new normal unfolds.

Coping With Loss Before Birth

jennsumerlin@hotmail.com (Jennifer Sumerlin) — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 22:58:00 GMT

Grief and Its Many Colors

The idea of starting a family can come with varied emotions, among them can be excitement and fear. What happens when family planning is met with unforeseen bumps in the road? Oftentimes people discuss difficulty becoming parents (whether it be natural conception, surrogacy, IVF, adoption, etc.), highs and lows of pregnancy, as well as coping after miscarriage, but what about those who find themselves "with child" following months (or years) of unsuccessful attempts? Having a child after a lack of success can come with its own worries that are not always acknowledged.

There is a such thing as experiencing PTSD following miscarriage, "unsuccessful attempts", and negative feedback from medical professionals with respect to natural family planning. As a society, not only do we need to normalize parental grief, but also validate its complications when faced with what should be a joyous occasion (positive pregnancy test, a seemingly successful adoption process, IVF and IUI progression). New parents preparing for this leg of their journey, following rather dark detours, can experience the joy of pending parenthood and at the same time find themselves experiencing high levels of anxiety and constant obsession (and even compulsions).

When a potential parent experiences loss, they can feel upset, sadness, failure, hopelessness, anger, and confusion. However, when the opportunity to become a parent presents itself as an even greater possibility, those feelings of grief do not magically disappear. Parents can still carry the heartache and worry into this new experience all while trying to be fully present this time around, but that is not easy. Constant worry and checking for the baby's movement and heartbeat daily can take up a lot of mental and emotional energy, but that doesn't mean that an expectant parent does not have the right to experience what other parents experience, such as constant complaining about pregnancy symptoms, weight gain, and even being tired of being pregnant.

As the support system, there are things that we may say that can minimize a parent's grief or even make them feel worse about themselves or the process itself. Here are some Do's and Don'ts when supporting a loved one through their process to parenthood:

Do's

1.) DO listen to the potential mom or dad. There are a lot of feelings associated with the process and a lot that goes unsaid, but it is definitely felt. Provide them with an emotionally safe place to "fall".

2.) DO provide genuine hope and positivity when needed. Potential parents do grow tired of the process and hopelessness and failure are common feelings, but that doesn't mean that they are genuinely ready to walk away from the process.

3.) DO celebrate ANY milestones or progress made. They may not see it right away and positivity is needed.

4.) DO practice reassurance and validation. And if religion and spirituality are a part of their (or your) life, prayer, meditation, and positive affirmations may be helpful.

5.) DO push your own opinions or agenda aside, especially if they are not warranted at the moment. You are allowed to have your own feelings but remember that this is their journey. Honesty, genuineness, and validation are key here.

DON'Ts

1.) DON'T voice harsh judgments and criticism. Potential parents are already harboring their own feelings and judgments, they may not be emotionally or mentally prepared to hear YOUR judgments and criticisms.

2.) DON'T project your own feelings onto them. It may be ok to share your own experiences, especially if you feel as if it will help them, but do not project any feelings or expectations where there are none at the moment.

3.) DON'T speak without first listening and getting a feel for what's appropriate. In other words: THINK ABOUT THE ADVICE YOU'RE LOOKING TO GIVE. Well-intentioned responses can be viewed as insensitive. Steer clear of the following statements:

- "You're not doing it right"

-"Is there something physically wrong with you or your spouse?"

-"Maybe it's not meant to be"

-"Just stop trying so hard"

-"Maybe it's the wrong time."

4.) DON'T minimize their feelings or the process. Poking fun or making jokes about the process or their feelings is insensitive and rude.

5.) DON'T be afraid to offer therapy, online support groups, or resources (podcasts, articles, books) that bolster optimism, realism, and hope, especially if you honestly do not know what to say to offer support and comfort. Offering honesty in that way may help more than it could hinder.

As potential parents process the grief AND look to celebrate pending parenthood, DO validate their feelings as being a part of their process and DON'T forget to help them celebrate and normalize this leg of their journey as it is a celebration of how far they have come!

Embracing Diversity in Therapy by Breaking Down the Wall of Stigma

jennsumerlin@hotmail.com (Jennifer Sumerlin) — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 14:31:35 GMT

Why Has It Been So Difficult To Get People of Color in Therapy?

Therapy means different things to different people, and it also translates differently amongst diverse cultures and ethnicities. It appears as if those belonging to the middle/upper-class Westernized European culture has fully embraced therapy while those who are considered lower-class or people of color have often time shunned therapy. Over the years, therapy has gone from being shunned to being feared. For people of color, therapy is full of unknowns; none of those unknowns seen in a positive light nor can they be controlled. As society continues to evolve, more people of color have "taken the plunge" into the unknowns of therapy. However, with more people of color taking part in therapy, there appears to be even more of a need for multicultural training for current and future counselors. I have been fortunate to have had a graduate education that emphasized counseling in many realms.

One of my graduate school professors once said that if we want to be successful and effective therapists, it would be helpful to first be a client. As a client, I quickly understood the importance of picking the right therapist as well as what traits and characteristics were most important in a therapist. Understanding the level of vulnerability that exists, as a client, has made me more understanding as a therapist. As I have advanced in the field, I have had numerous opportunities to discuss multicultural counseling and creating an emotionally safe space for clients. Having had the opportunity to speak with people from diverse backgrounds, I have learned quite a bit. Potential clients, especially those of diverse ethnicities, have expressed upset and distress with respect to beginning therapy, more specifically with respect to expectations and therapeutic approach. Below, I have provided some points to consider when working with clients of color or backgrounds different from you, the therapist:

Actively practice empathy: It is not easy for ANY client to open up in therapy, let alone a client of color. Please practice patience and understanding when meeting with client s.
Familiarize yourself with a potential client's ethnic and religious background without overdoing it: As an African American therapist myself, I make it a point to familiarize myself with the background of each of my clients. It lowers my anxiety, by giving me SOME background and it also allows me the opportunity to get to know my clients in other aspects.
Do not overly immerse yourself in the culture or become an authority figure on their cultural background: Familiarize yourself without overdoing it. Overdoing it can resemble cultural appropriation, which can be viewed as disrespectful. You can be aware without being over the top by way of overindulging in the culture.
Ask questions for clarity, with respect to that specific client: With respect to your client's traditions, beliefs, values, priorities, etc., it is ok to ask questions for clarity. Use this as a way of continuing to build rapport with your clients. Also, it paints a clearer picture of the person and their world as they perceive it to be. It also minimizes the likelihood of a misdiagnosis.
Be aware of YOUR privilege as a therapist as well as any privilege you hold within your own race, ethnicity, or gender: As a therapist, please be aware of your privilege in the "therapist" role. As a therapist, we should be aware that our role can put us in a different playing field that may appear to surpass that of any other role we have ever had prior. Also, understand that there may be some advantages or privileges that come with your identity. As a woman, I will never say that I understand what it means to be a man (because I don't). Even if I can't identify with my client in some way, shape, or form, I can empathize. Our life experiences factor in to address the differences between myself and my client.
Do not make assumptions.....even if you and your client come from similar backgrounds: Most clients look for therapists with whom they feel they can most relate, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Similarities and relatability are good when trying to build rapport with ease and less anxiety; the last thing some clients of color want to do is "teach" their therapist what it means to be their race, religion, gender, etc. However, this can also be a challenging thing mainly because there is a such thing as too much relatability. There is a fine line between relatability/empathy AND projection of your own experiences, wants, and beliefs onto your client. Therapeutic boundaries can be blurred and you may alienate your client.
Be open to learning as well as educating: Once comfortable, most clients are open to educating others on their lives, more specifically their presenting problems, family dynamic, relationships, and how they see themselves (identity).
Be aware of the cultural differences that exist between you and your client.....and do not be afraid to discuss any internal struggles with a fellow clinician or supervising therapist: A person's identity involves their entire being, such as: denomination (or lack thereof), ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status. It is ok to acknowledge your differences (as long as your client is comfortable), however do not minimize their existence. For instance, by telling a person of color "I do not see color" or "I do not see gender" can be misconstrued by your client as saying, "I do not see YOU". If you find yourself experiencing internal issues or struggles with respect, discuss that with your own therapist (YES! Therapists see therapists too lol!), supervising therapist, or fellow clinician. Your client's therapy is for THEM not you.
Be aware of your own cultural competency prior to seeing clients of color. It is not enough to have friends and colleagues of diverse backgrounds. As therapists, we must do our part to educate ourselves outside of our sessions; not just for our clients but to advance ourselves as well.
Do respect cultural traditions, holidays, family and relationship dynamics that are specific to the client, even if you do not fully understand or agree with it: You do not have to fully understand every aspect of your client's life to serve as a support system for your client.

How to Prioritize Yourself When Life Feels Overwhelming

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 21:47:16 GMT

While putting others first appears to be second nature for a lot of people, placing yourself first can appear to be a foreign concept, if not a chore. Life can be extremely hectic, especially for those of you who live the life of an all-around caretaker, both at home as well as at work, which leaves no time and nobody to take care of you. Here are some steps to begin putting the "self" back into selfish without ignoring other responsibilities.

Implement A Different Internal Script.

-In order to change the circumstances, you must first change your internal script, as a source of empowerment. "I can't", "I don't have time", & "I have to" are all examples of an internal script that resides within us. Instead of "I can't" or "I have to", try "I choose to"; and instead of saying "I don't have time", try "I will try to prioritize it" or "I choose not to prioritize it". By doing so, you take on more of an active role in your decision-making. Life can be chaotic at times. We come across a list of responsibilities and tasks that happen to fall into place (barely) and become a part of our routine that eventually becomes our hamster wheel of burnout!

Make A List of Activities & Rewards.

- Making a list of self-care activities, rewards, & indulgences that can be associated with differing levels of stress. Self-care can take place in any format and does not have to be extravagant. Forms of self-care can include but are not limited to: reading, writing, drawing, listening to music, listening to podcasts, cooking, going for a walk or a drive, working out, going to the movies, or a restaurant. Self-care aids in decreasing stress and anxiety, may improve quality of sleep as well improved mood and possibly a decrease in blood pressure.

Practice Self Care Regularly!

-Do not treat self-care like a first-aid kit! Self-care is meant to be implemented on a regular basis. When I say "regular basis", that is subjective. A person can practice self-care daily, weekly, biweekly, monthly, or a combination of any of these schedules. For example, a person could practice self-care, daily, by listening to a podcast on the way home from work, and then decide to get a massage on a monthly basis. As long as all top priorities have been addressed for the day, to the best of your ability, then you are free to address your own self-care.

Do Not Make EVERYONE'S Anxiety YOUR Anxiety!

- As my mother used to say, "I have empathy, no sympathy". What my mother meant in her blunt, yet loving way, was that you can allow yourself to be put into someone else's shoes, as a way of better understanding and connecting with other individuals (empathy), without allowing their feelings and circumstances to dictate your next move (sympathy). It is difficult to be a spouse, caregiver, parent, employer, parent, or friend, without proper boundaries. As a therapist, I have learned (and am continuing to learn) the importance of boundaries with respect to other's feelings. By doing so, you help YOUR sanity and allow yourself to be the most effective in your role as their support system.

Give Yourself Permission to be Human.

- You do not have to have it "together" all of the time. You will not be able to please or accommodate everybody every day of the week. Most times you can only do your best given the circumstances. Part of being human is doing what you can, not doing everything perfectly. As a human being you can only live according to your standards and nobody else's. As a human being, you are allowed to own your feelings, whether you perceive them to be positive or negative. Experiencing negative feelings does not make you a bad person. We cannot control our feelings, we can, however, exert some control over how we express our feelings and to whom. Give yourself permission to consider your own feelings or how something may affect you. It is okay to be a little selfish; you're only being a little bit about self.....It's called being self-ish, not self-centered!